Last night I got upset at John over something really stupid. I really don’t know what set me off, but I was mad about him not helping me when I needed him to even though I hadn’t asked him for help and he’s not a mind reader (seriously, my life would be easier if he could read my mind). Anyway, I spent awhile writing in my journal – most of it is illegible. By the time I finished, I realized something.
I am not happy.
Awhile back I met with my Stake President (religious leader) and he asked how things are going between John and me. I told him overall things were good, but I am having trouble trusting him….. My stake president looked at me and asked, “Why are you still married to John?” I was completely taken off guard by his question, but it made me think.
Why am I still married to John?
Then I met with my therapist. (John and I recently started seeing a therapist as a couple as well as individually.) We had our initial meeting with her the week before and it was my turn to go solo. After chatting for awhile and saying who knows what, she asked me the same question,”Why are you still married to John? Do you want to be married to him?”
I went in for my yearly exam with my midwife on Friday – we never got around to the exam. She asked what birth control I was using and I told her abstinence. A few questions later and it came out that my husband is a sex addict. (My midwife is now a sex therapist – what are the chances.) She asked a few more questions and she asked me as well, “What are you still married to John?” (Then she told me that I need to get tested for STD’s, yuck, so I’ll be doing that on Tuesday.)
Here’s where it tricky for me. Many of you had that moment – you know what I’m talking about – the one where, WHAM, it hits you and you KNOW you are meant to be with this person for the rest of your life. You are totally in love with this person and would do anything for them. Yes, they have hurt you and betrayed you in the worst of ways, but you still love them.
I never had that moment. It’s hard for me to admit. I’m ashamed to admit it. Looking back I wonder if I was really in love with John when we married. There were times when I was ready to call off our engagement, but was scared of what people would think. Over the years we have fought – more me fighting than him and I have been unhappy. Even before all of this came out. I actually felt relief when he told me of his addiction because there was a reason not to like him and to get out.
But I didn’t get out. I stayed. It’s been one year and (almost) nine months. I stayed because I wanted to see if maybe I hadn’t been able to love him fully before because I could feel that there was something there, that he was hiding from me. I have caught glimpses of who he really is and I do like what I see, but I am still uncertain about our future.
Last night, after writing about all of the reasons this trial is unfair and all of the reasons I hate my husband, and figuring out that I am, indeed, unhappy, I came to a chilling realization…
I have not been working my own recovery.
I have gone through the motions, but I am not actively trying to recover. There is a part of me that enjoys being bitter and hostile and angry. It’s not a small part of me either, it’s the big part of me that is trying to protect myself from getting hurt. It’s the part of me that wants to protect myself, so that if I do in fact fall truly in love with my husband, I will be able to walk away without more pain.
I decided last night – I even wrote it in my journal and put a reminder in my phone with notes – that on October 2, 2017, I would reevaluate where I am personally and where I am at in my relationship with John. At that point, I will decide which direction I am headed. Will I be headed on a solo journey (well, as solo as you can be with 3 kids) or will I be headed on a journey with my husband?
I know that you can’t really put a time frame on these things, it just gives me something to shoot for.
Regardless of which direction I ultimately end up going, if I do not work my own, personal recovery, I will not be able to make the best decision, and feel good about it, when the time comes. I wrote down a list of things I need to work on and I am committed to working this process so that in a year, I can see how I have grown and the adjustments I need to make for the future.
My Life as Jane Doe will be changing a bit over the next year.
I’ll keep you posted. Keep checking in.