Smiling on the Darkest of Days

John told me he was addicted to pornography late at night on January 7th, 2015.  The next morning I went through the motions of the morning routine.  John left for work.  Shortly after he left he texted and asked if I would be willing to see a therapist with him that morning.  I agreed.  John tried to go to work, but just sat in the parking lot and cried.  When he came home I could see it on his face that he had more to tell me.

It took some prying, but once I lifted the lid to his secrets they came pouring out.  I wanted to slam the box shut, bury it deep in the earth on a deserted island and never think of it again.  I couldn’t fathom what he was telling me.  As more came out I screamed at him.  Hissed at him.  He tried to touch me and I smacked his hand away.  I despised him.  I loathed him.  Looking at him made me want to vomit.  I felt like a stranger was sitting across the table from me.  I wanted to run as far away from him as I could.  My worst nightmare had just become my reality.  My husband, the father of my children, my eternal companion was not just a porn addict.  He was a sex addict too.

My heart was torn apart.

Ripped to shreds.

I was beyond devastated.

Darkness enveloped me, pressed in at me from every side.

I ran out of tears.

I grudgingly followed John to the therapist’s office . . . with my 9 month old baby in tow.

We sat on the couch and the therapist talked to both of us.  It was all I could do not to throw up on the floor.  He asked John to leave and talked to me privately.  I don’t remember anything that he said, except that a therapy group was beginning that night, and that John and I should take a break from sex for at least 90 days (no problem).

When it was John’s turn, I waited in the lobby.

I took my baby Jude in my arms and held him.  Held him tight and felt his innocence and purity.  He turned his head up to look at me and smiled.  Somehow I smiled back at him.  He continued to look into my eyes and smile, then he put his head on my shoulder and snuggled into my neck.  I closed my eyes and rubbed my cheek on his fuzzy head tuning everything else out.  His heartbeat calmed mine and I was able to feel a flicker of light.  For a few moments, I was able to forget the nightmare that was unfolding around me and smile.


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