. . . stay

If someone had told me a year ago that my husband was addicted to pornography and sex, I would have laughed in their face, and said, “Not my husband.  No way.  My husband is totally active, he’s served in several presidencies in the church and is currently the Elder’s Quorum President.  My husband and I talk about porn and how unhealthy it is.  No way.”

A year ago I would have been disturbed by the woman who chose to stay with her husband after he told her he watched pornography several times a week and acted out sexually with himself and with other women.  I would have wondered how that woman could have been so blind and not seen that something was going on with her husband.  At that time I knew I would walk out the door if my husband were doing those things.

Then John told me.

Suddenly I was the woman with the addicted husband.

I was the woman who had been blind to the ATM charges.

Blind to the missed dinners.

Blind to the inability to connect.

I had been blind to what was happening.

Everything told me to run away.

Then I paused and looked at John.   I really looked at him.  I saw the pain in his face, and for the first time, I knew he was being honest with me.  That pause was long enough for me to hear the whisper, “Stay…”

I listened.

I knew the road would be steep, full of bumps and potholes, and that we would both fall along the way, but I could not deny that I heard the Spirit whisper to me to stay.

It has not been easy.  It’s been lonely, confusing, and crazy.  It’s also been full of blessings.

John and I are both committed to our individual recoveries and are committed to healing our marriage and our family.

I will stay.

As long as we are both moving forward, I will choose to stay.


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