A lie is a lie


I have been feeling off-kilter since the new year.  Maybe a little before.  I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but something just seemed off.

John’s been lying to me.  Or rather, just omitting things from me.

Of course, it wasn’t anything big… just lying. {smirk}

{Before I tell this, I will fully disclose that I was in full on PMS-hormone-crazy-moodswing mode.}

On Friday, I found a charge for a movie theater from earlier in the day.  I immediately went in to panic mode and let all of my tools fall by the wayside.  I couldn’t think clearly and when I finally talked to John, I ended up hanging up on him.  I felt a panic attack coming on, and somehow kept it at bay.  I was so mad.

You see, years earlier, John used to go to movies during the day and would just omit that part of his day when he came home.  I would usually find out at dinner, in front of friends, when conversation would turn to movies and John had always seen every movie that came up in conversation.  It always mad me feel upset, stupid, and little.  He had already been hiding his addiction to porn and masturbation from me, but I really feel like sneaking away to movies was his gateway to acting out with prostitutes and masseuses.  He knew to use cash, so he wouldn’t get caught.  He knew what topics of the day to avoid in conversation.  He knew how much of his day he needed to tell me about to satisfy me.  He also knew that, unlike movies, prostitutes and masseuses weren’t usual topics of conversation.  So it should be understandable that when I asked him, “If I hadn’t found this charge at the movie theater, would you have even told me you had gone?” and he said, “Probably not”, that triggers and red flags started to fly.  I asked him if he had been going to other movies during the day and he said, “no”.

The next day he went to work out, I assumed at the rec. center near our home.  When I went to pick Jill up from dance, I saw John driving towards me.  Coming home from the direction of a different gym that is near our home.  I was furious.  Totally furious.  We have discussed him working out at that gym.  I have major issues with it. I’ve worked out there.  I’ve seen all of the women that work out there “to be seen”.  I got all worked up again and played through terrible scenarios in my head.  By the time I got home I could barely talk to him.  When we did talk, he explained that he had gotten a free week membership to the gym and wanted to use it.

That would have been totally fine with me, if he had talked to me about it beforehand.  I honestly think, that if I had not left when I did, and had not seen him coming home from the wrong direction, that he would have led me to believe that he had worked out at the same place he always does.

I asked him if there was anything else he had been lying, omitting, or half-truthing.  He said, “no”.  I left it at that.  Deep down, I knew there was more.

This week I have been exhausted.  Sick kids, sick mom.  I stayed up several nights holding Jude in the rocking chair so that he could breathe.  I was looking forward to sleep on Wednesday night.  I came home from LifeStar, finished some work and headed to bed.  John seemed a little antsy.

When we finally got in bed, he started to talk.  He had actually gone to three Sundance movies with his friend last week, one of which I knew about beforehand, one I discovered, the third he had completely omitted.  This past month he has gone to several other movies with his friend.  He has also been watching movies on his lunch break in his car.  I asked him if there was anything else, and he said, “No.  Honestly there isn’t anything else.”  I looked at him and said, in a calm voice, “You are a really good liar.  You’ve lied to me for years.  I have no idea right now if you are telling the truth.  The only person I can trust is God and I’m too tired right now to hear Him tell me if what you are saying is true.”

I am having some major trust issues right now.  I’m so exhausted physically that I am numb to anything.  I tried to talk with John about it some more last night and I can tell that he really doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Maybe it’s not.  But TRUST is a HUGE deal.  Lies, not matter how big or small, are still lies and lies DESTROY trust.  While I do believe him when he says that he hasn’t acted out in his addiction, I am having a very hard time believing the little things, which in my opinion are just as important.




2 thoughts on “A lie is a lie

  1. You are so right that a lie is a lie and it IS a big deal. He is doing things that, historically, led to him acting out. When I find things out that my husband has omitted, it’s like watching a slow motion movie leading only to relapse. I think this is a great topic to talk about in therapy. Do you go to therapy together?

  2. Sorry I didn’t respond sooner. We are not in couple’s therapy at this time, but we do attend LifeStar. We will start couple’s therapy in the next few months.

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