I have been mad lately.
M – A – D. Mad.
Mad that John can’t baptize Jill.
Mad that he chose another path for so long.
Mad that he has an addiction.
Mad that my mother in law pressured me to know when the baptism date would be.
Mad that I completely forgot to send out an email to see if people could even make it to the baptism on the weekend we decided on.
Mad that I could have changed it so more family members could be there.
Mad that my siblings have all moved away.
Mad that my sister that knows, will not be able to be there because it’s the ONE weekend she had plans to fly somewhere with her husband.
Mad that my brother and his wife are watching my sister’s kids.
Mad that our group will be small.
Mad that John’s sister and her family will be there, and they don’t know.
Mad that people from the ward will be there and will wonder why John isn’t in the confirmation circle.
Mad that my friend is bringing her daughter and will wonder.
Mad that we don’t feel like inviting our personal friends.
I was so mad in group last night that I cried. I actually cried. I have been in this group for almost four months and have not shed a tear. It was good crying. Crying that helped me realize that I’m fearing man more than I’m fearing God. All of my anger stems from what others will think of me, John, our family.
But what does that matter?
Jill has decided to be baptized. That’s what matters. What matters is that her testimony of the Gospel is growing. What matters is that she will be surrounded by people that love her – grandparents, an aunt and uncle, cousins, ward members. As my therapist told me last night, “It needs to happen this way. God wants it this way. The people who will be there need to be there. God will strengthen you. Hearts will be softened. It will be okay. It will be okay.”
I’m refocusing on the positive aspects of her baptism day –
Family members will be there.
John and I have parents who are willing to help us in anyway that we need spiritually.
We will be surrounded by love.
Yes, John is no longer a member of the church, but he is doing everything he can to come back. To be a member again. He is working towards his baptism day.
Because John is not able to baptize Jill, he will be able to give her Priesthood blessings in the future. He will be able to baptize Jude. He will be able to ordain our sons. He will be sealed to us again. He will be able to take me to the temple again. He will be clean. He will be worthy.
The details of the baptism day do not matter. What matters is Jill getting baptized, taking this step forward. What matters is that John continues to heal as he goes through his repentance process. What matters is that I look to God and do HIS will. What matters is that I will not be alone. The Savior knows how I feel. He will be there lifting me, encouraging me, helping me.
It will all be okay.
Yes, it will all be okay.